How It Feels To Have Borderline

So last night I was up way too late, doom-scrolling on TikTok (as one does), and I stumbled on a video that hit so hard. I really want to give credit to the person who posted it—even though I’m not sure if they’re the original creator, I just had to share it.

They put into words what it feels like to live with BPD on a daily basis better than I ever could. It’s like they reached inside my brain and said, “Here, let me help you explain this.”

Please don’t come for me if they’re not the OP—I just genuinely wanted to pass along something that resonated deeply.

I experience extreme emotional intensity. imagine the saddest you've ever been. Now, the happiest. Now, the emptiest. Now, the angriest. How your biggest emotions feel to you are how every emotion feels to me. I am stuck in a constant "fight or flight" mode. I'm constantly preparing for threats. I'm always questioning my surroundings and people's intentions. Even if there is no real threat, I have one thing on my mind: survival. I always convince myself that everyone hates me. I feel like everyone is talking about me everywhere that I go. I feel like people don't want me around. Then, I convince myself that I'm unlovable and unworthy. My emotions are black and white. I have no in between. I can feel completely happy and content, something small can happen, a light switch immediately goes off, and I hate everything. I no longer want to be here. I don't want to be around anyone. I'm miserable. I constantly focus on people's tones and facial expressions. I pay attention to how much they've talked to me that day. I pay attention to everything. If something change, I immediately think I've done something wrong. I always think someone is going to abandon me, and I will do everything possible to avoid that. My "favorite person" becomes my everything. They're why I wake up. They determine my emotions. I feel like I need them to live. I'll even take mistreament and convince myself I deserve it because they can do no wrong. They hold me to the Earth like gravity. I am my own worst enemy. I feel so much anger. So much sadness. So much of everything. I take that out on myself. I internalize every negative emotion and carry an amount of pain that no one should be able to stand. I say awful things to myself. I am my own biggest bully. I have an unstable sense of self. I change things about myself constantly. I change my beliefs, my hobbies, what I like, my dream career path. I even pick up traits that i like from others. I always wonder who the real "me" is. I have acted irrationally. It's like the rational side of me is in a glass box watching the other part of me. I beg myself to stop, but the other part of me can't hear it. Then, all I feel is overwhelming guilt that consumes me.

You can click the button below to go to the OP's TikTok video. Follow/Like/Share and show the love to Spoonfulofhannah.

Han's TikTok Video